Men Are from Mars vol. 1 - Stagnant Convo

It has come to my attention that since we have passed out of the sensitive male era... people have forgotten:

**¡¡¡REMINDER!!!**¡¡¡REMINDER!!!**¡¡¡REMINDER!!!***¡¡¡REMINDER!!!**


MEN are from Mars and WOMEN are from Venus.

I say this because this distinction must be clarified. Such clarity is important because.. too much valuable time is often wasted pursuing gender specific agendas. Folks, gender equality doesn't mean the other gender has the understanding to deal with some of the gender specific behavior that simply does not translate. We aren't and cannot be expected to be a homogeneous society and any attempts to act in such a manner will always result in embarrassment or worse.

This last point has come painfully obviously as of late, especially in my life and I want to help both men and women out on this.

One of the first and more important ways this is true is in communication and in particular, phone mannerisms.

For instance:

Should a woman call a male... please have something to talk about. Calling without any specific agenda is flagrantly girlie and subsequently should be done only with your girls.

I am attempting to help avoid calls that go a little something like this:

Girl: Hey, babes!
Guy: Hey, what's up?
Girl: Nothing, you?
Guy: Actually, nothing on this side... just watching TV.
Girl: Okay... anything else?
Guy: Not really.
Girl: Okay...
(Silence)
Guy: I'm going to paint my ceiling fan.. I'll call you (never) okay?
Girl: Okay, have a nice day!
Guy: Uh, you too, crazy lady.

That convo is like pulling pubic hair out with your teeth. Excruciatingly painful. As a woman.. if you have nothing to talk about... do not call your boys. Perhaps if they are not straight they MAY tolerate this a lil more. But probably not.

Guys hate this... and it cannot be overstated that... we HATE this. This is stagnant convo and it's worse than playing a game of "Ugh, dude smell my finger". The reasons why it's SO painful.. not so easy to explain. See, we love talking to our friends most of the time. As a female friend you are cherished like a male friend, except you are usually more fun to look at (or have a mental pic of) and are often fun because of our varying and opposing gender paradigms. So, in short, we definitely want to talk to you.

Unfortunately, this will not overcome the awkwardness and eeriness of the call in which words are spoken, yet, nothing is intended and nothing is said. If someone is making a call, they ought to have a purpose. If that purpose is to simply see what other people are doing because your life is so boring... that simply isn't good enough for guys. Females, apparently somehow able to beat physics, can create energy and conversation out of nothing.

Yes, guys, they can actually make hour long convos of, consenting "I'm doing nothing"s. They have mastered the black hole of communication and can seemingly do time and space manipulation... depending if you have seen Love Actually or not. This is still being disputed as not enough intelligent guys have been trapped in such an unfortunate situation.

But guys? Not so advanced or evolved.

We usually call with a simple goal... to go over predetermined topics and expand into other realms using the powers harnessed in our male ADD. This is different than normal ADD because pretty much all guys have it in a sense. In fact, we are tuning you out for something better oh, in about 10 secs if you don't hurry up and mention at least one the terms: ass, titty, sex, girlfriend and I, etc... etc... and so on.. et. al. Any one of these words in any form (slang or otherwise) will keep us there. Unless, of course you possess a very seductive voice or we simply are in a listening mood. Which, irritatingly, renders the last paragraph null and void.

Still, we have these convos and they seem very easy to fall into. Especially since I seem to get cornered into one at least once every couple of weeks... and then, once again I'm trying to pull my leg out of a convo bear trap. Ladies, if faced with one of these convos it is imperative that you follow the following rules.

1. Stop.
2. Rethink the situation and find a gender specific situation that you can share with your male compadre.
3. Share that experience in an entertaining manner. Don't forget to use "ass", "sex", "girlfriend and I", "fondle", "breast", etc...
4. Express distaste, dissatisfaction, or ignorance about general male thinking or actions (end with, "present company excluded", of course)
5. Watch the call unfurl and bloom into a lively and entertaining conversation in which both listen and talk.
6. Fun!

See how easy that is?

Now that you have been educated on this you have no excuse to ever cause such stagnant convo. Go forth and converse freely.